“I think it says a lot of good things about you.” I wanted you to know, you’re in my story. You weren’t so keen to know in what way.
One day you will know, maybe, hopefully!
Maybe you take the time to read. I can’t even say anymore what it said but that it was good, I lay my hand in the fire for that. I lay my hand in the fire for you any time. I believe in you without reason. I don’t need reason to believe with all my heart. If I was religious, my religion would be you.
The sun shines in the forest. In the forest I feel closer to you than by the sea. You have forests in your country. You grew up in the forest. You have fairy tales and watermen and magic. If I could know your magic. I like you all the more for all the mystery you have.
Your mystery is magic. Your feeling is magic.
If there’s one thing I like, it’s feeling in intensity.
I like how you laugh.
I love how you joke.
I adore how nothing in the world is above a joke for you. You make the grey world funny. The seriousness laughable. I’ve never laughed by myself. I’m not a funny person – accidentally funny at most. That’s the most entertaining kind for other people anyway – not very reliable though. You laugh because you want to laugh. You want to live and you want to be happy. How admirable that goal. Other people want a car. You have a car. You don’t know where it is. You don’t care. You’ll find it one day. Maybe your sister knows. You love your sister. You always ask me, do I talk to my family? It’s very important to you. I think you place too much emphasis on that. Why is it important whether I talk to my family to you? You want to know that I’m safe, is that it? Because a good relation to family means that I’m safe? Happy? Mentally well? Without problems? Why does it matter so much – to you? I’m safe, I’m happy, I’m fine. All of that. I can be that by myself. That is my goal. I don’t want to rely.
Do you rely on your family?
No. You do everything by yourself. It doesn’t bother you to figure things out alone. I don’t think you feel alone in that sense. You’re a man. You solve issues. I feel issues. I don’t know where you take your feeling from. It’s so very seducing.
You cherish your newfound relations. I enjoy your enjoyment. I understand you but I am not you.
I am separate in many ways. I don’t belong. I have no home. I have emergency nets. Not everyone has that. I have what I need but I don’t belong. At least I belong to me. I think. I belong to myself because I decide so. There’s nothing else to go by. If you don’t belong to yourself, who do you belong to? Is it possible to belong to anyone before belonging to oneself? Maybe I don’t want to belong “to”. I just want to belong. Somewhere. Somewhere I like. Somewhere with people I like – love. Is that why people have families? To build their own world? I want to build my own world with you. But it’s much bigger than a family. It’s a whole world.
When I see you in my dreams, I feel you. I never want to stop. I like this everything.
You are impatient, you solve your problems. I am naturally patient even if it drives me insane. Everything in its due time. I’m a believer. There’s a time and a place & things have to magically work themselves out by themselves. Because that’s what happens when things belong.
I only want to belong under the condition of naturally belonging.
I’d rather not belong, than belong where I don’t belong.
I know the pain of not belonging. So I can bear it some more.
I know the pain of rejection. So I try to avoid it. That is my weakness. I don’t go out on a limb for fear of being rejected. A rejection I would probably be able to survive. When I survive I feel strong but I don’t test it.
Copyright Hannah Knaack-Völker
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