Jealous…

“La imaginación desbordante, atmósferas enigmáticas, libertad creativa.”

You really get to see where the diamonds lie when you meet a lot of coal.

No, no, no – how did it go?
Sobre todo lo que me gusta es la imaginación.
“Sobre todo no quería volver a hablar. She didn’t want her words to scream her pain.“

I always know when you write me a message because I wake up 8 mins afterwards.
You care about me & I care about that.
It’s not love but I love you still.

Kristallklares Lachen.

I knew what I was giving up but I gave it up anyway.

I know that you will never touch me because you know what we’ve got to lose.
And it’s a good feeling because that way I can be secure.
Rest in the feeling that nothing will break this.

I like it when you laugh & sometimes I’m the reason for your enjoyment.
You grew up in the forest.
You ran between trees.
You wonder where the witches are now but back then it was all natural.

I’m fucking scared of this.
I never felt drawn to this type.

You’re blond & you’re white.
Your complexion is almost like mine.

I’m jealous of everyone you talk to.
The relationship changes –

It’s a decisive point, it’s a dividing point.

In the east you can’t think.

The things that I like are slow – and excruciating.

I cannot think of a hammock without you in front of my eyes.

My shipwrecked treasure.

Mariposas salen de mi boca.

With you it’s like I don’t need to wait for fate to tell me whether it’s right.
I can just call.
I can just talk to you.
I can just see you & there’s nothing wrong with that.
And I don’t doubt it either.

He writes my name with a capital letter…

I love the way you use your exclamation marks!
Your exclamation marks are always real.
I doubt my use of exclamation marks.
When you leave out the commas it just makes me feel exhilaration.
I feel all your exuberance. I want to say, I’m really glad you’re in my life.
And you respond to me without playing games. Because you want to. Without the time of the reply really playing a role.

“A nuestra edad, ya no queda nadie sin heridas.”
And you & I are tortured bulls before the final dance.
The final dance.
Last dance.
Last?

“You will end like everyone else too with work, children & a house”. No doubt.
We all end in the same place, no matter how “rich” we were before.
Some arrive “rich” & others rich. Some more comfortably, others less so.
A comfortable ride can be boring, an uncomfortable one exhausting.
A comfortable one can be pleasant, an uncomfortable one interesting.
There’s danger & adventure.
Harm that could befall us.
There’s safety & tranquillity.
Love that can envelope us.
I can’t be in comfort without discomfort and I can’t be in discomfort without comfort.
Give me both & let me live.
Give me peace & give me everything.

I tell you in the night while I’m still fine, I want the good things to survive.
Before something happens, I’m glad to have you, just so you know. Before I come running to you, tears in my eyes.
And the lightness gone.
Let the lightness stay. I don’t want to be a tragedy. Rather I’d be grotesque.
The nightmare was close. Sometimes it’s too much.
Where is my balance? Sometimes I feel like I only got one leg.
Where is the other one?
Standing on one leg like a flamingo.
My foundation is broken, there’s a split in the middle.
Flamingos don’t look too sad.
Ever feel like there’s quicksand under one of your feet – just one of them?
What does that to your hip?

What is peace & where do I find it?
Surrender. Surrender to the forces of nature.
Can things work themselves out, or must I be strong?
Can’t the world take care of itself?
Who am I to save?
Can I save? I can’t save anything. Beyond my abilities?
Ever have days beyond your capabilities?
I have days when everything is fucking complicated.
The world is so complex. Everything I do so effort-laden.
About once every lunar cycle.

The cycle of the moon has no end & no beginning.
It just goes again, like it’s trying to accomplish something it hasn’t done before.
Like the last full moon wasn’t perfect, so here we go again. Trying for perfection.
A never-ending game. A never forgiving answer.
Cruel torture.
Expectations to die for.
Not worth dying for.
Try or don’t try, you never will succeed.

“When you go to a club, you see all the guys chasing girls. It’s nature, I think.”

But I chase you & I’m a girl.
The universe doesn’t like to be chased, I heard.

Málaga
20.01.2023
Copyright Hannah Knaack-Völker
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