Fragen über Fragen


I’ve arrived in Sevilla. Just walking to the hostel. I can work there and they pay for food.
It’s so lovely, you say Sevilla is extremely beautiful. I only saw a tiny bit of it but, man, it was different from Florence.

It’s so interesting here but also scary. I already met so many people. There are some interesting books here in the hostel.

What you write sounds good.
You have stability.

I have no idea where I’m going. There are a lot of artists here. It might be good for me. It’s better than Florence. Florence was over for me. I’m scared of maybe not actually being a writer. Maybe I find out it was all a dream and never the thing that is me. I’m still scared of what is going to come out of me but not as much as before.

I hope the workaway is a good idea. Maybe it’s good for me to have something to do. I go crazy in my head if I’m in it all day.

I hope I still find the space to reflect and be myself. Without being distracted by thousands of people all the time who are not all relevant to me. I don’t think I can meet meaningful people to me everywhere all the time.

Sevilla suits my energy better than Florence, I think, in terms of creativity and art. It’s darker and more complex. The Renaissance is so shiny, gold and full of perfect, beautiful angels. It’s not helping me right now with the monsters coming out of me.

Of course volunteering in a hostel is not a long term plan but I promised 3 weeks/ a month and it’s good. I still pressure myself a little to fix my life to higher conventional standards. Obviously I can’t go without income forever. I suppose it’s one small step at a time. Actually, I don’t want to force anything. But I want to move in a serious direction. I admire you, to be honest. You have what you like. You love your work. In that way you are who you want to be.
You’ve found yourself.

I feel such stability from that. And you do what you want to do. It requires some strength. You’re strength of mind is immense. My biggest fear is to be sidetracked by other people and not ending up using this time to turn my life around. Maybe I’ll just end up wasting time, not making the most of it, letting a chance go by. But then I also feel easily stressed by myself. The more expectations and tasks I pile on myself, the less I can move, the less free I am and the less naturally I can do anything creative. It stops me even from thinking freely. I suppose I have to trust. Things have worked themselves out so miraculously, it wasn’t my doing. Maybe I belong here at this present time. Who knows. I’m scared of everything right now but I’ll be fine. I want to be fine. And I want to have a home, some kind of base where I can put my stuff and myself when I want to.

I’m scared of making a mistake. You were my reason, my thinking head. Oh, how I come to rely too much on other people.

When I live in my castle I’ll bring all my stuff with a white retro Citroen and host parties for all my friends and I will be so happy, dancing on the lawn and flying down the stairs to greet everyone, and you would always be invited.

I have to find something to eat and there’s music on the rooftop.
You should see the view, it’s breathtaking.

Copyright Hannah Knaack-Völker
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